Stuicide

So in my last post I mentioned an old flame.

I got a comment from a non-believer. Which is great, having people read your blog because they like you is one thing, but having them read and comment because they don’t like you is even better.

I was 19 and I was naive but I was also smart. I never cheated on her. I never made her not trust me.

Regardless of where I am now, I can go to sleep soundly knowing that I gave it a good fair shot, and it didn’t work out. That’s fine. Any guy that would cheat is lower than dirt and deserves to get what’s coming to him.

When someone pretends to be an adult and ends up cheating on one of the most amazing people I’ve ever come across, they look like an idiot and regardless of what happens after that, I know I’m better than him. He may get the girl this time, he may feel like he’s won, but I will be the victor.

One day, it’ll all catch up to him. Regardless of when that is, I know that today, I don’t have to keep track of my girlfriend’s ex boyfriend’s blog and leave comments  “bud”. It’s a calming sense of mind.

When I was 19, I fell in love, or what my 19-year old heart thought was love. I still have no real idea whether or not it was for real or not. My understanding of Love may be a little less naive, but when it comes to finding it, I have the same amount of luck I had then, now. In the 3 years since then, I’ve matured a good deal, and I’ve learned a lot, but I’ve also lost a lot. You can never regain the wild passion of a teenager in love, there’s nothing in this world that is as intense as being 19 and in love.

I don’t know why this girl is still in my head 3 years later over a couple of the other girls. We’ve had our share of bad moments and times I would rather not have to experience again, but when I think back, I just think of the highlights. I think it may be because I never got closure at 19. We broke up, hung out maybe 2 times after that, and she moved away. I spent the next few months recovering and just trying to go about my day again, when she called me on my birthday to wish me a happy birthday. That wrecked me all over again.

Since she moved away, I hadn’t really talked to her or seen her much until about 6 months ago. We would talk every few months, but it would always return to silence, and I always loved talking to her. Always.

But last October, she made a trip back to Memphis and I managed to snag her time for one weekend. We went out to a nice dinner downtown, and the next night we hung out for a little bit, then over Christmas she came back in town again and I saw her two more times then. Once on Christmas day where I kissed her after 3 years of not having that kiss. I don’t know if that was a good move or not as it through me back into being 19 and all of those feelings that I had thought I had been able to get control over. I haven’t talked to her since New Years and all I want to do is call her, but if I do, I’ll end up being 19 again.

I don’t want to experience any more pain out of this so it’s easier to just ignore the situation and wait another year for when I hear from her again and we’ll hang out, and I’ll fall back in love with her, and she’ll go back out of town.

I remember one night where I went over to her house and we started out watching a movie as most dates consist of and we ended up making out until 5 in the morning. That was it. There was nothing scandalous in that evening, but we spent the entire night just kissing until it was time for the rest of the world to wake up. I drove home and remember bringing in the newspaper before my dad woke up.

Another memory was on the day of her graduation, we were hanging out at her house and her sister and fiance said they were going to go to Florida for the weekend. They invited us along, and on the whim I came home and packed up some clothes for the weekend in 10 minutes, told my parents I’d be back on Monday and we took off. Drove all night and got to Florida at sunrise. We spent two days on the beach, then headed home.

You can’t have that kind of spontaneity  unless you’re 19.

I apologize for this post as it’s messy and not well-written but I’m writing as if I were 19 again. I’d do anything to be 19 again.

“Breakdown” by Jack Johnson is a great song. It’s melodic and calming.

Just thought you guys should know.

How come we dream about the things we dream about? An old flame, a hidden fear, random bits of your day… all thrown forcefully into a dream that you’re almost sure to forget the details of 10 minutes after you wake up, but yet you’ll never completely forget that you had a dream. The details will be the only things that will be lost after the shuffle that is the morning routine.

What does it all mean? Should I get a hold of the old flame? Should I confront my hidden fear?

Does anything really change when you want to see if the old flame can be renewed with the same intensity it once had? In my experience, it’s very rare, so rare that it’s almost not worth trying. Almost… but not quite. There are certain girls in my life that have left an impression on me and always will. Regardless of anything that ever happens, they will always hold a fast pass ticket to garnish some of my time and a lot of my thoughts if they should so desire.

I wonder, are there any girls that I have this ability to do? Or is it just a one-way street?

There are certain moments in one’s life where you literally stand at intersection of your life. Many different ways one can go, but only one that you can choose. At this very moment, I stand at one.

I could take the safe path. The easy path. As I have done in the past, but is that what I want to do again? I could stay in Memphis, I could work at a job that I am good at, I could go to Grad School at the same place I’ve always gone to school. I could get my MBA in Memphis and get a good job and live safe. I’d have my own house, my own career, and be well off, but bored.

I could take the path less traveled. I could escape Memphis now, and try something new. I’ve always wanted to leave Memphis, but I’ve never had the desire to actually do something about it.  I could go to Chicago or Seattle or anywhere but here and try to get my MBA at a new school in a new city where I know no one. I would most likely live in a one bedroom apartment and have to adapt to an entirely new city and entirely new people. It’s scary to leave behind everything I’ve ever known, but everything I’ve ever known has grown to disappoint me.

It’s time to follow the path of the beam and believe in ka. The decision was made before I ever had a chance to hear the question.

What am I up to these days? Well here’s a taste of some of the media I’m digging this week.

Currently Reading: Wizard and the Glass [Book 4 of the Dark Tower Series] by Stephen King

Favorite TV show: Heroes, it’s just now starting to answer a bunch of questions and I can’t wait to see the season wrap up, this show has been one of my favorites since it started.

Favorite Movie: The Departed. So I waited for it to come out on DVD, but it’s def. worth it for everyone to go see. Leonardo Dicaprio really shines and Jack Nicholson is perfect in this movie. Matt Damon, Alec Baldwin, and a host of other stars fill out the supporting cast great.

Music: Bloc Party, they’re rocking out right now on my iPod, but I’m also listening to The Used, The Thermals, and Muse.

Lots of good media is out there right now, this last week I took the GMAT test and I’m going to be looking around at some more townhouses. So by this fall I should have my own place and be in Grad School. Wish me luck, life is busy.